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The Odd Couple, Episode 19: The Red Scare

[Note: This Odd Couple post is running in lieu of Hawks Thoughts this week. It would have just been me ranting about the power play anyway. We would both rather read this.]

* * *

[Interior, Tazer and Kaner's downtown Chicago penthouse apartment. Tazer is watching the financial tickers on CNBC while eating his customary breakfast of a half grapefruit sweetened with one packet of Splenda. Rinkesh, Tazer and Kaner's faithful valet, is in the kitchen preparing Tazer's daily egg white omelette with spinach and mushrooms.]

Tazer [To Rinkesh]: Where is Patrick? Don't tell me he's still sleeping?

Rinky [To Tazer]: Oh no, sir. Master Kane was awake and out the door well before you awoke.

Tazer [With a raised eyebrow]: Indeed? Do we know where Master Kane was off to at such an early hour? Or would I prefer not to know?

Rinky: I believe he was attending a pancake breakfast put on by the Chicago chapter of the Communist Party of the United States of America.

[Tazer drops his spoon into his bowl with a clang.]

Tazer: Oh my God.

Rinky: If you will forgive me, sir, communists do not believe in God.

Tazer: I am not a communist!

Rinky: Of course not, sir. I did not mean to imply that you are, but if Master Kane has chosen to espouse the beliefs of the Collective, perhaps you should refrain from the mention of any deities while he is around so as not to offend him.

Tazer: Patrick is not a Communist!

Rinky: Sir, if you will permit me to disagree, he certainly looked the part this morning, what with his Mao Tse-Tung tote bag, that little green cap of his with the red star on the front of it and the "OCCUPY CAPITALISM" sign he was carrying.

Tazer: Why did you not not stop him?!

Rinky: Oh, sir! It is not my place to tell the young Masters where they should and should not go! And where would you be this morning, or any morning for that matter, without your pre-warmed slippers, your freshly ironed copy of the Wall Street Journal, your grapefruit, your egg white omelette? Not in first place in the Central Division, I can tell you!

Tazer [Considering, then sighing]: Perhaps you are right, Rinkesh. Life would indeed be a tedious struggle without your invaluable help and support. Forgive me.

Rinky: Oh no, young sir, it is not my place to forgive thee. I live but to serve.

Tazer: Well, I apologize, nonetheless.

Rinky: Thank you, sir.

Tazer: Now then Rinkesh, how long has Patrick been attending these meetings?

Rinky [Pauses a moment from cooking the omelette and wipes his hands on his apron]: Well sir, I believe this must be the fourth or fifth one that I am aware of.

Tazer [Sternly, with his super serious face]: I see. And do you know his reasons for attending these meetings?

Rinky: Not exactly, sir. But this morning, as the door was closing behind Master Kane, I believe I heard him say, and I am quoting him, "Let's get this motherfucking revolution started." Excuse my language, sir.

Tazer: Oh my God.

Rinky: "There is no God, only the collective will power of the working man." That is another quote I heard from Master Kane.

Tazer [With his super serious face]: Where was this pancake breakfast?

Rinky: I do not believe you will have time to meet Master Kane at the pancake breakfast if that is your intention. I believe you have a meeting with Coach Quenneville before practice this morning. Perhaps you will be able to express your concerns to Master Kane before or after practice.

Tazer [Through gritted teeth]: Yes. Before or after practice. I literally cannot take my eyes off him for a moment.

[Later on that day, interior of the Chicago Blackhawks dressing room at the United Center. Practice has just ended and the players are sitting at their lockers, taking off their skates.]

Kaner [To Carbomb]: Bro! You coming downtown with me? You gotta meet those new friends I was telling you about.

Carbomb [To Kaner]: Yeah, Bieb-bro, let's do it!

Kaner: I think you're gonna like em.

Carbomb: They party?

Kaner: Hardcore, bro.

Carbomb: Bro.

[A little while later after everyone is showered and dressed, Tazer, Kaner and Carbomb are the only players left in the dressing room. Tazer approaches Kaner.]

Tazer [To Kaner]: May I have a word, Patrick?

Kaner [To Tazer, warily]: S'up, swizzle dick?

Tazer: I heard some distressing news this morning from Rinkesh.

Kaner [Alarmed]: Fuckin' Rinks? Is the little brown bro okay? Does he have the sack cancer?

Tazer [Shaking his head]: No, Patrick, Rinkesh merely relayed some distressing news to me, unrelated to himself. He is fine. And as an aside, you must be aware that he is but a boy of no older than twelve and it is not possible for him to have testicular cancer at that age.

Kaner: You had me sweating, bro. We can't let Rinkles lose his nut package.

Tazer: Certainly not. Now, regarding this news, I was made to understand that you attended [leans in to whisper in Kaner's ear] a meeting of the Communist Party this morning.

Kaner [Excitedly]: Fuckin' A, J-Tizz! Those are my peeps! Did you see this awesome tote bag they gave me? [Kaner pulls out his Mao Tse-Tung tote bag from his locker]

Carbomb [To Kaner]: Nice tote bag, broseph!

[Kaner and Carbomb pound fists]

[Tazer takes one look at the bag, furtively looks around to see if anyone else had seen it, then stuffs it back into Kaner's locker.]

Kaner [Offended]: What the fuck, bro?!

Carbomb [To Tazer]: Yeah, bro! Why you gotta fuck up Bieb-bro's new tote bag!

Tazer [Heatedly whispering in Kaner's ear]: Patrick, you cannot associate yourself with Communists! Take that stupid hat off your head!

Kaner [Squinting his eyes at Tazer with suspicion]: First of all, they put chocolate fuckin' chips and whipped cream in their pancakes this morning which was fuckin' awesome. Just the way I like it. The same as how Rinks does it for me the same way my mom does it for me when I'm at home. Second, they told me that people wouldn't understand when they found out I was hangin' with em.

Tazer: Because they are Communists, Patrick! Communists! Do you understand that you have a brand image to protect? That you are the biggest star on this hockey team? That children look up to you? You are risking your career! Your endorsements!

Kaner [Closes his eyes in concentration]: The dude with the pancakes said to say this to anyone who started ripping me for hangin' out with them. "Criticism is a part of the Marxist dialectical method which is central to Party improvement; as such, communists must not fear it, but engage in it openly." The Chinese dude on my tote bag said that, bro.

Tazer: Mao Tse-Tung.

Kaner: I call him Mousey Dung.

Tazer: Your beloved Chairman was responsible for the deaths and imprisonment of thousands, if not millions of Chinese people!

Kaner: Communists must not fear criticism but engage in it openly.

Tazer: Do you even know what that means?

Kaner: That you're a 'tard?

Carbomb: Word.

Tazer: You are being spoon fed the Chinese communist manifesto!

Kaner: Chinese manifesto? That sounds like more of an Italian dish, dumbass. Carbomb's Italian, let's ask him. [To Carbomb] Hey Luigi, you ever eat manifesto?

Carbomb [Thinking, then lighting up]: Yeah, bro, my moms makes it every Sunday!

Kaner [To Tazer]: Fuckin' 'tard bucket. Told ya.

Tazer: You are being recruited to join the Communist Party, you understand that, do you not?

Kaner [Shrugging his shoulders]: The chicks are hot.

Carbomb: Word?

Kaner [To Carbomb]: Fuckin' A, bro. These cum-in-us chicks are wild. Got a hummer this morning after my pancakes.

Carbomb: I wanna cum-in-us chick too. You gonna hook a bro up?

Kaner: As soon as fuck-nut [Kaner nods at Tazer] stops talking, we can go.

[Kaner and Carbomb pound fists]

Tazer [To himself]: Pancakes and blow jobs. They had him figured out after the first meeting. Damn them, those slippery, socialist pigs.

Tazer [Aloud]: COMM-YOU-NIST, Patrick. COMM-YOU-NIST, not cum-in-us. Now what was this Rinkesh told me about an "Occupy Capitalism" sign?

Kaner [Assertively]: "If the U.S. monopoly capitalist groups persist in pushing their policies of aggression and war, the day is bound to come when they will be hanged by the people of the whole world. The same fate awaits the accomplices of the United States."

Tazer: More Cahirman Mao, I presume? [To himself] I have to admit that they are adept at stuffing words into brains not equipped for such things. [Then aloud] Patrick, do you know what capitalism is?

Kaner [Sullenly]: No.

Tazer: You are a capitalist, Patrick.

Kaner [Alarmed]: Bro?

Tazer: That's right. You are a small business owner.

Kaner [Brightening]: I bought a Chinese restaurant!

Tazer: Correct. And as the proprietor of the Golden Hawk Dim Sum Palace and Karaoke Bar, you are an important cog in the great financial machine that powers America.

Kaner: We make sweet-ass shrimp dumplings, bro.

Tazer: Everyone agrees they are delightful.

Kaner: The plum sauce is badass too.

Carbomb: Word.

Tazer: Well, Patrick, if you are interested in maintaining ownership of not only the Golden Hawk but the hefty salary the Blackhawks pay you, I would recommend severing ties with the Communist Party.

Kaner [To Tazer]: Bro?

Tazer: As a member of the Communist Party you will be required to give most, if not all of your salary to the Collective.

Kaner [Indignantly]: Bro!

Tazer: Now sit here for two minutes and be quiet. I want you to speak with one other person before you leave for this meeting.

Kaner [Pouting]: Fine.

Tazer [Looking over his shoulder as he leaves the dressing room] No horseplay while I am gone. That goes for both of you.

[A few minutes later Tazer walks back into the dressing room with Marian Hossa behind him. Kaner is laying on his back with his arms hooked around his knees holding his legs wide apart. Carbomb is kneeling at the opening of Kaner's legs with a cigarette lighter at the ready, the flame burning.]

Tazer: Patrick!

[Kaner takes a startled look at the doorway and simultaneously releases a thunderous fart, creating a low, blue jet of methane flame.]

Hoss [Surprised and delighted]: Ha! Backdoor blowtorch! I didn't see one of those since being a rookie in Ottawa!

Tazer [To Hoss, in Czech]: Don't encourage them, Marian.

Hoss [To Tazer, in Czech]: Sorry.

Carbomb [To Kaner, whispered] Good one, bro!

[Kaner and Carbomb pound fists]

Tazer [Aloud, in English]: What did I say about horse play?

Kaner and Carbomb [In unison, ashamed]: No horseplay in the dressing room.

Tazer: That is correct. Now-

Carbomb [Cutting off Tazer, to Hossa]: What up, Enrique?

Hoss [To Carbomb]: You still have to be calling me by that nickname?

Carbomb: It's cuz I love you, bro.

Hoss: It is going to be okay then.

Tazer: As I was saying, gentlemen, I'd like you to hear what Marian has to say before deciding if you are going to go to any more meetings.

[Kaner unwraps his arms from his legs and sits cross-legged on the carpeted floor next to Carbomb.]

Hoss: As you know, I am Slovakian.

Kaner [To Carbomb, whispered]: I've been to his castle, bro.

[Kaner and Carbomb pound fists]

Hoss: And also, let me remind that teammates Frolik and Olesz are Czech but they are being too young to be remembering the time of this story. To begin, I was born in 1979 but then it was not Slovakia, it was being called Czechoslovakia. Since World War Two, Czechoslovakia was communist country and subject to Soviet Union. Since end of World War Two, this was hard times for all people who did not belong to Communist Party. Our economy was not being as bad as some other countries in East Europe but it was not a happy time. There was few choices for food or products and very few freedoms.

Kaner [Concerned, to Hossa]: But the chicks were still hot, right Hoss?

Hoss [To Kaner, vaguely insulted]: Of course Slovak Republic has most beautiful women in Europe. No one argues this.

[Kaner and Carbomb pound fists]

Tazer: Patrick, please let Marian finish.

Hoss: You will speak with my mother or father on next parent trip. They will tell about Soviet occupation in 1968 when it was two hundred thousand troops and two thousand tanks that invaded Czechoslovakia. Then there was the time of resistance in 70's. It was hard times for all Czech and Slovak peoples.

Kaner [Tearing up]: I'm sorry, Hoss. I'd like to talk to mama and papa Hoss.

Hoss: You were not born yet! You are not needing to apologize, my friend. Jonathan asked to tell you history of Slovak Republic so now I hope you learn that sometimes the words or thoughts of communism sound good on the top of things but it is never seeming to work properly in real life. Many good peoples died through history so that very few men can keep their powers in Soviet Union.

[As Kaner cries, Carbomb pats him on the back]

Hoss: It is much better today in my country, Kaner! We received freedom in 1989 and now we are a democracy! Communists are not in Europe today. Life is being much better now. Certainly my baby daughter will have much happier childood than my wife or me or our parents.

Kaner [Sniffles and wipes his nose on his sleeve, whispers to Carbomb]: There's a baby Hoss, bro.

Carbomb [To Kaner, whispered]: That's cool, bro.

[Kaner and Carbomb pound fists, weakly]

Kaner [To Hoss]: Did you have pancakes in Slovakia?

Hoss: Pancakes? Of a certainty! I am always enjoying pancakes Sunday mornings since being a boy.

Kaner: Awesome! We're going to the Golden Hawk right now for Chinese pancakes and shrimp dumplings!

Hoss: I am liking shrimp dumplings.

Kaner: But bleached taint hole over there [Nods at Tazer] owes me and Carbomb a blowjob first! We were on our way to get blown by the cum-in-usts and then he cock-blocked us and made me cry.

Tazer [Scowling]: Fine. [Tazer steps out of the dressing room and a few moments later, two members of the Blackhawks Ice Crew follow Tazer back in.]


Tazer [To Kaner]: Will this suffice?

Kaner: This will be fine. Now, leave us alone, stink finger.

Hoss [To Tazer, while walking out of the dressing room, in Czech]: He's quite a handful, isn't he?

Tazer [To Hoss, in Czech]: You have no idea, my friend.

For more nonsense, follow me on Twitter @nCornick.

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