The Odd Couple, Episode 12: The New Captain

[Interior, Tazer and Kaner's Lake Shore Drive apartment. It is 2:00 AM and Kaner has been tossing and turning in bed for over an hour. Kaner usually sleeps on his side but due to the pain in his recently injured ankle he is forced to lie on his back in an uncomfortable position.]

Kaner: Fuck this shit.

[Kaner throws off his Return of the Jedi comforter, props himself up on his crutches and starts moving himself out of his bedroom down the hallway to the bathroom.]

Kaner [To himself]: Might as well drain the old lizard.

[After evacuating his bladder, Kaner continues down the hallway to the kitchen. As he passes Tazer's bedroom, he nudges the door open with one of his crutches. Kaner pokes his head in and sees Tazer sleeping as a soft white nimbus of light pulsates gently around his sleeping form.]

Kaner [To himself]: God damn Jesus-freak.

[Kaner continues on into the kitchen where he fixes himself a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk.]

Kaner [To himself]: Mama said milk is good for my bones and will make my ankle feel better.

[Kaner sits down on the couch and props up his sore ankle on a pillow, then turns on the TV, fires up the TiVO and starts watching episodes of his favorite television show, Tom and Jerry.]

Kaner [To the television]: Tom, you stupid fuckface, Jerry owns your ass every time.

[Kaner dunks a cookie in the milk until it is nice and soggy before taking a bite.]

Kaner [Singing softly to himself with a mouthful of cookies and milk]: Cookies and milk, milk and cookies, makes me feel fuzzy, just like a Wookie. [Swallows] Hahaha! Good one, Kaner.

[A half-hour later Kaner falls asleep with crumbs distributed liberally across the front of his Harry Potter pajamas and the television still on. Standing and watching all of this in the shadows of another hallway is Rinkesh AKA Rinky, Tazer and Kaner's slave houseboy.]

[Rinkesh approaches Kaner on silent feet.]

Rinky [Quietly to himself]: Oh, sir. We cannot have this every night, you know. It is of paramount importance that your ankle heals as quickly as possible.

Kaner [Talking in his sleep]: Cookies and milk....

Rinky: Yes, sir, I know.

[Rinky pulls out a small horse hair brush from his breast pocket and quickly brushes the crumbs off Kaner's chest onto the floor. Rinky then walks down the hallway and into Tazer's bedroom.]

Rinky [Looking at Tazer and talking to himself]: I thought we had resolved that issue with the glowing. I see we will have to work on that.

[Rinky gently shakes Tazer awake.]

Tazer [Fully awake and alert]: What is it, Rinkesh? Is everything okay?

Rinky: Yes, sir. Everything is fine sir. It is Master Kane, sir. May I prevail upon you to carry him to bed again?

Tazer: Of course.

[Tazer walks into the living room, picks up Kaner, carries him to his bedroom and tucks him into bed.]

Tazer [Leaning down to whisper in Kaner's ear]: We need you back soon, buddy. Get some sleep, okay?

[As Rinky and Tazer leave Kaner's room, Tazer turns on the Ewok night light next to the door.]

Rinky [To Tazer]: Sir, may I have a word with you before you retire for the rest of the evening?

Tazer: Of course, Rinkseh, what is it about?

[Tazer and Rinkesh walk back to Tazer's bedroom. Rinkesh gestures for Tazer to have a seat on the bed.]

Rinky: How are you feeling, sir?

Tazer: A few bumps and bruises, the usual for this time of year. Why do you ask?

Rinky: Just inquiring, sir. And your mental health, sir? How would you describe that?

Tazer: Oh, um, a little stressed out, I guess. Things are not as easy as they were last year. We are all trying to pick up the slack.

Rinky: I understand. You must feel a bit more pressure than the others though, considering you are the Captain.

Tazer: I suppose that is true.

Rinky: I see. Thank you, sir.

Tazer: Why are you asking me all these questions?

Rinky: Just checking in, sir. One more question, if I may, sir?

Tazer: Go ahead.

Rinky: Can you authenticate my pass code?

Tazer [With a blank look in his eyes and a flat voice]: State your pass code.

Rinky: Tomahawk.

Tazer: Pass code authenticated.

Rinky: Power down, sir.

[Tazer's head and shoulders slump forward as he nearly falls out off the edge of the bed. Rinky catches him then shoves him awkwardly back onto the bed.]

[From a different pocket, Rinkesh retrieves a mobile device]

Rinky: Dial Rockwell Wirtz.

[The mobile device rings several times before a connection is established.]

Rocky Wirtz [Via the Mobile device]: It's three o'clock in the morning, Rinkesh. What the hell do you want?

Rinky: Yes, sir, deepest apologies, sir. Number nineteen needs some maintenance, sir.

Rocky: Oh. I see. What's the problem?

Rinky: He's glowing again, sir and he's feeling a bit depressed.

Rocky: Hmm. Okay. Troubleshoot the glowing issue. There's probably a leak near the cold-fusion reactor. When you have that fixed, I'm going to need you to tweak his personal attributes processor settings.

Rinky: Is that wise, sir?

Rocky: It's a risk we're going to have to take. The team needs more from him this year and his humility and modesty are holding everyone back.

Rinky: I understand, sir.

Rocky: Let me know when it's done.

Rinky: Very well, sir. I will begin immediately, sir.

[Rinky terminates the connection and puts the mobile device back in his pocket. He leaves the bedroom and returns a few minutes later carrying a toolbox. A few minutes after that, Rinkesh has number nineteen's chest plate removed and is shining a flashlight into the cold fusion reactor, checking all the wiring and cabling. After a couple hours he eventually locates a power cable with a loose connector and replaces it. Then with a considerable amount of strenuous pushing and pulling, Rinky is able to flip Tazer onto his stomach and pull down Tazer's shorts. Just as Rinky is about to insert a USB cable into Tazer's anus, a voice from behind freezes his hand in mid-air.]

Kaner [Leaning on his crutches in the bedroom doorway]: What the fuck is going on here?!

Rinky [Turns around to face Kaner]: Oh, good morning, sir.

Kaner: I knew it! Tazer is gay and likes small, brown, hairless boys!

Rinky: No, it is not like that sir.

Kaner [Growing agitated]: You're practically elbow deep in his ass! What the fuck is going on here? Tazer! What the fuck is going on here?!

Rinky: He is not awake right now, sir.

Kaner [Confused and growing panicky]: What did you do? Did you drug him? Are you raping him?

Rinky: Calm down, sir. Let me explain.

Kaner: Explain what?! You were about to give him a rim job, weren't you?

Rinky: The man you know as Jonathan Toews is not, strictly speaking, human.

Kaner: What the fuck are you talking about?

Rinky: Technically he is a cybernetic organism or more commonly, a cyborg.

Kaner: Like a fucking robot?

Rinky: Not exactly, sir. He is partly biological and partly artificial.

Kaner: What the fuck?

Rinky: In terms you would understand, sir, he is very much like Darth Vader.

Kaner [Scared]: What the fuck?

Rinky: He is part man and part machine. He was created in a laboratory over twenty two years ago in a private endeavor funded by the Wirtz family.

Kaner: Mr. Wirtz?

Rinky: Just so. Or to be more precise, his father, William, is the one who originally underwrote the project.

[Kaner stares at Tazer's bare ass for a minute]

Rinky: I realize this must be a difficult situation to comprehend. You were never supposed to know. It is my own fault for taking too long with the repairs. I thought you would be sleeping for some time yet.

Kaner [Still staring at bare ass]: What repairs?

Rinky: You may have noticed that Master Toews sometimes appears to glow softly?

Kaner [Nodding his head]: I thought it was because he was holy...

Rinky: That is a concept that the Wirtz family and Mr. McDonough like to perpetuate - that he is a minor divinity. Actually, number nineteen is powered by a state-of-the-art cold-fusion nuclear reactor core. There was a loose power coupling that was leaking radiation and that is what was causing the glow.

Kaner: What's up with his ass?

Rinky: I was about to connect this USB cable from number nineteen to my laptop when you interrupted me. His data port is hidden behind his sphincter.

Kaner: That's sick, bro.

Rinky: It is a rather clever hiding place, I thought.

Kaner [Becoming more interested]: Does he take dumps?

Rinky: No, number nineteen does not produce waste.

Kaner: Wow.

Rinky: Indeed. Now, sir, please have a seat. You must stay off your feet as much as possible.

[Kaner goes back to his bedroom and pulls a chair into Tzaer's room. When he returns, Rinky has established a connection between number nineteen and the laptop.]

Kaner [Fully fascinated now, looking at the laptop's screen]: What are you doing?

Rinky: Mr. Wirtz has instructed me to modify number nineteen's personal attributes. His personality, if you will?

Kaner: Really? Sweet. Can you make him not be so queer?

Rinky [Typing on the keyboard]: I think you may be pleased with some of the changes I am going to make. I will be lowering his social inhibitions as well as his modesty and humility. I will also be increasing his aggression and combativeness. [Finishes typing] There. All done.

[Rinky unplugs the cable, pulls up number nineteen's shorts and again, with much effort, flips him onto his back.]

Kaner [Staring into number nineteen's chest cavity]: Holy shit! Motherfucking Vader!

Rinky: Oh, yes, I apologize. I still have to put his chest plate back on.

[Rinky grabs his tools again and in a few minutes he has the chest plate in place.]

Kaner [Leaning forward]: You don't even know it's there.

Rinky: Oh, yes, everything is quite seamless. Now, sir, I must tell you something and this is of paramount importance.

Kaner: S'up?

Rinky: Number nineteen, or Tazer if you prefer, is not self-aware. That is to say, he does not know that he is a cyborg.

Kaner: Huh.

Rinky: You must never give any indication that he is anything other than the teammate and friend you have always known him to be.

Kaner: I understand, dude.

Rinky: Go to the living room, sit down on the couch and turn on the television. We will be out shortly. Remember, you don't know anything.

Kaner: I got it, bro.

[Kaner goes back to the living room and starts watching Sesame Street.]

Tazer [From behind]: What up, Brometheus?

Kaner [Singing]: Sunny days, keeping the clouds away- [Whips his head around to look at Tazer] Brometheus?

Tazer: It's a motherfucking play on words, numb-nuts. An allusion to Greek mythology. You're about as quick as that asshole Boynton.

[Kaner stares at Tazer, shocked into silence]

Tazer: What are you looking at, slap-dick?

Kaner: Uh, nothing.

Tazer: You must be fucking queer or something, staring at me like that.

Kaner: I ain't fucking gay!

Tazer: I'm not gay either, hog-swallower.

Kaner: Homo!

Tazer: Knob-polisher!

Kaner: Butt-sniffer!

Tazer: Taint-licker!

Kaner: Ass-grabber!

Tazer: Jizz-junkie!

Kaner: Rump Ranger!

Rinky: Gentlemen, please!

[Tazer and Kaner both turn to look at Rinky]

Rinky: Master Kane is recovering from an injury and needs to rest. Master Toews, please refrain from raising his blood pressure.

Tazer and Kaner [Simultaneously, mumbled]: Sorry.

Tazer [Under his breath, to himself]: Dong-chaser.

Rinky: Now, what would you like for breakfast?

Kaner: I know Tazer wants a foot-long sausage.

Tazer: Motherfucker!

[Tazer jumps on the couch and starts boxing Kaner about the ears. Eventually Tazer gets Kaner into a full nelson with Kaner's face smashed into the couch cushions.]

Kaner [Muffled, into the cushions]: Help! Help! I'm being raped by a Canadian homo!

Tazer: I told you I am not a homo!

Kaner: Then why are you sitting on my ass?

Tazer [Mortified, looks down, then quickly leaps off the couch]: That was an accident!

Kaner: Butt pirate.

Rinky [To himself, slowly shaking his head in resignation]: Perhaps this was a bad idea.

Rinky [Aloud]: Breakfast, gentleman?

Tazer: Gimme a piece of poon and a brewski!

Kaner: Beer me!

Rinky [To himself]: Sweet Krishna, what have I done?

Tazer [To Kaner]: Call of Duty or Rock Band?

Kaner: Rock Band, bro!

[Rinky brings each of them a beer]

Tazer: One, two, three, pound it!

[They both drink their beers in three seconds]

Tazer: Rinky! Get your skinny brown ass on those drums!

Kaner [Gets up off the couch onto his crutches, then into his microphone]: We are FALCONHAWK!!!

Tazer: Fuckin' A, bro!

Rinky: God damn it.

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!

The Odd Couple, Episode 10: Oprah

[Interior, HARPO studios in Chicago, IL. Tazer and Kaner are relaxing in the Green Room prior to going on the set to record an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show. Kaner is wearing his sunglasses, as usual, to assist him in recovering from a hangover. Both players are wearing their red, home jerseys and jeans.]

Production Assistant [Pokes her head into the Green Room]: You have about 15 minutes before we'll need you on the set, can I get you anything before then?

Kaner: Bloody Mary.

PA: Right away, Mr. Kane. Mr. Toews, can I get you anything?

Tazer: No, thank you, ma'am.

[The PA closes the door]

Kaner: Not a fucking word out of you.

Tazer: Did I say anything?

Kaner: I can feel you looking at me, judging me.

Tazer: As long as you get all your partying done by the time training camp starts, I don't care how much you abuse yourself.

Kaner: Fine.

Tazer: Yes, fine.

[The PA returns with Kaner's Bloody Mary]

Kaner [To the PA]: Thanks, sweetheart.

[Kaner drains the glass in two seconds.]

[There is a knock on the door a few moment later. Oprah Winfrey enters the green room. Tazer and Kaner hop up from their seats to greet her.]

Oprah: Hello, boys. I just wanted to come by and introduce myself before the show. Is there anything we can get for you before we get going today?

Tazer: No ma'am.

Kaner: I just wanted to tell you that when I was a kid I used to watch your show all the time and that I am a huge fan.

Oprah: Is that right? That's sweet of you to say.

Kaner: I grew up in a house with three sisters plus my mom so your show was on all the time. I think I got my first boner watching you.

Oprah [Flustered]: Oh, umm. I don't think I've heard that one before. I'm not sure what to say. I'll, uh, see you guys out there.

[Oprah leaves the room in a hurry.]

Tazer: As smooth as silk. As subtle as a whisper. As usual.

Kaner: Go fuck yourself, ass-bandit.

[They sit in silence until the PA returns to bring them into the wings of the set. As they are standing in the wings, they can hear the opening music to the show and Oprah being introduced and entering the set to sound of insane cheering. The Stanley Cup is sitting on the floor next to Tazer. Finally, the cheering dies down and Oprah starts her monologue. The audience does not know what the subject of the show is.]

Oprah: I have to tell y'all something. [Pause] I have been looking forward to doing this show for months!

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: Oh, this is going to be a special show, people!

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: I know you have seen me get excited before when we've had guests on like Denzel Washington...

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: Tom Cruise...

[Insane Cheering]

Oprah: John Travolta...

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: But I'm gonna take it local for y'all today. I wanna tell y'all something that I don't think I have ever told anyone before except for Stedman and Gail. And, Gail, hoo boy, she just don't get it! I know you are all sittin' there in your seats wondering to yourselves "What is that lady talkin' about, since I already know everything there is to know about Oprah! I read it in the check-out line at the grocery store!"

[Huge roars of laughter]

Oprah: I am serious now, people. Are you ready for my secret?

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: I love the Chicago Blackhawks! And here are my guests: Patrick Kane and JONATHAN Tay-AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Insane cheering]

[Tazer walks onto the set carrying the Cup over his head. Chelsea Dagger is playing in the studio and the crowd is clapping along, happily. Tazer puts the Cup on a table in the middle of the set. The table is positioned between one chair on stage left, which Oprah sits down on and two chairs across from her on stage right which Tazer and Kaner sit down on. ]

Oprah: Now that is some serious bling!

[Huge roars of laughter]

Oprah: So, I know that it's a tradition that each player gets to have a day with the Stanley Cup during the summer. Patrick, I understand you had your day with it a couple days ago?

Patrick [Still in his sunglasses]: Yeah, that's right. I took it back to my hometown of Buffalo, New York.

Oprah: And what did you do with it?

Patrick: Oh, you know, we took it to a few local bars, I visited a hospital and a fire station. I did a few other things too.

Oprah: Something interesting happened at that fire station, if I understand correctly. Can you tell us about that?

Patrick: Yeah, I wanted to take the Cup up on one of those buckets they have on their ladder trucks, you know what I'm talking about? Well they put me in the bucket and I get up there and the ladder breaks so I am stuck in the bucket for like twenty minutes or something. I was pretty scared.

[Huge roars of laughter]

Oprah: And I heard you took it on another little adventure last night as well...

Patrick: Yeah, I was able to take it out to the Jimmy Buffett concert and get up there on stage and sing a song with Jimmy and the Cup right there on stage.

[Huge roars of laughter]

Oprah: It certainly looks like you were having a good time up there. Alright, when we come back, we'll talk with Jonathan about his day with the Stanley Cup!

[Insane cheering]

[While the show is in commercial break some producers come on the set to talk with Oprah briefly. After they leave Kaner leans over towards Oprah.]

Kaner: Hey, Oprah.

[Oprah looks up from some paperwork]

Oprah [Smiling]: Yes, Patrick?

Kaner: You can call me Kaner.

Oprah: Okay, I'll remember that.

Kaner: Are you a lesbo? Cuz I heard you and Gail eat each other out, is that true?

Oprah: Oh, Patrick, you don't believe all that stuff in the tabloids do you?

Kaner: I don't know, I just hoped it wasn't true cuz I always had a mad crush on you. I wanted to see if, you know, you might wanna come over to my place tonight and hang out.

Oprah: Oh, that's very sweet of you to ask but I have a boyfriend, Patrick.

Kaner: He's gay. Check it out, O-Dub, come over tonight and let me taste some of that dark chocolate you got goin' on inside them pants.

Oprah [To Tazer]: Is he serious?

Tazer: Oh, quite.

Oprah [Unsure, confused]: I'm not sure whether to be insulted or flattered.

[The music in the studio cranks up, indicating that the show is coming back from the commercial break.]

Kaner: I wanna see your ass jiggle like a tub of molasses.

Oprah: And we're back with Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews of the Stanley Cup Champion, Chicago Black HAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: Jonathan, let's take a look at what you did on your day with the Stanley Cup a few weeks ago.

[The lights in the studio are dimmed as they roll a clip of the high-lights of Tazer's day with the Cup]

Kaner [While the clip is rolling, whispered]: Hey, O-Dog!

[Oprah gives Kaner a raised eyebrow look that means "Can't you see I'm busy - Not right now!"]

Kaner [Whispered]: You ever tried Buffalo meat?

[Oprah gives him a shrugged shoulders/quizzical look meaning "What the hell are you talking about?"]

Kaner: I got a Buffalo steak in my pants for you.

Oprah [Disgusted whisper]: You are gross!

[Kaner winks at her]

[Lights in the studio come back up as the clip finishes]

Oprah: So it looks like you had quite a day with the Cup, Jonathan.

Tazer: Oh, yeah. It was pretty crazy up there. It was just really nice to be able to give back to my hometown of Winnipeg after all the support I have received from them throughout my life.

Oprah: That's great, Jonathan. When we come back, we're going to get into all the questions you are dying to know about, starting with: Do these two young men have girlfriends?

[Insane cheering]

[Again the producers come up to Oprah during the break and go through more paperwork with her. After they leave, Kaner leans in.]

Kaner: Hey, O-bie Wan.

Oprah [Exasperated]: What is it, Patrick?

Kaner: You herb friendly?

Oprah: What are you talking about?

Kaner: You know, ever burn tree? 4:20?

Oprah: [To Tazer]: What is he talking about?

Tazer: Patrick is inquiring as to whether or not you ever partake in what he calls the Hippy Lettuce but what you may be more familiar with as cannabis or marijuana.

Oprah: Oh, I see. No, I have not smoked pot in over thirty years.

Kaner [To Tazer]: Told you she's down.

Kaner [To Oprah]: Check it: Tonight you come over to my place and I'll vaporize some Tibetan Sunshine and we'll get smoothed out. Maybe we can watch Planet Earth and then you'll break me off some of that junk in your trunk.

Oprah [To Tazer]: How do you live with this animal?

Tazer: Oh. Well, I am the only one on the team who can take care of him and if I was not around to supervise him, he would be ten times worse. He is actually quite a good hockey player and we do require his skills on the ice. Much of his coarse, uncouth, ill-bred behavior is accepted as long as he keeps playing well.

Kaner [To Tazer]: Thanks, bro.

[Tazer nods in acknowledgement]

[The music in the studio cranks up, indicating that the show is coming back from the commercial break.]

Kaner [To Oprah]: I like my butt meat dark.

Oprah: And we're back! So guys, let's get into this, everyone in the audience is dying to know: Are you single? Kaner, excuse me, Patrick, let's start with you.

Kaner: I'm single but I would give up my crazy swinging lifestyle if I could get a date with you.

[Roars of laughter]

Oprah: Tell me, Patrick, where would you take me on a date?

Kaner: First of all, I would fly us out to my hometown of Buffalo. I bet you've never been there. I would take you to the most romantic place in the world, Niagra Falls, for a sunrise. I would show you around the neighborhood where I grew up. Then I would take you out for lunch to the Subway they named after me. I would introduce you to my family and finally I would take you out for an evening of dancing.

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: Well, Patrick that sounds lovely. I might have to take you up on that someday. And you know what, I actually have already met one member of your family today. I'll introduce her to rest of you when we come back.

[The producers come and do their thing with Oprah again, then leave]

Kaner [To Oprah]: That was all bullshit, baby. I just wanna get you back to my crib, get you stoned, eat some brownies off your belly and get freaky on your sweet, luscious ass.

Oprah: You simultaneously revolt me and fascinate me, Patrick.

Kaner: I'll fascinate your booty tonight.

[Tazer shakes his head in resignation]

Kaner [To Tazer]: Don't judge me, rim-licker.

Kaner: [To Oprah]: C'mon, baby, listen to me. Tonight we'll both drop some E, then you'll ride the Kane-train to Pleasure Town and I'll take the Creamsicle Express to the center of your Tootsie Pop.

[Oprah raises her eyebrows in surprise and disgust]

[The music in the studio cranks up, indicating that the show is coming back from the commercial break.]

Kaner: I bet your ass tastes like hot-buttered rum.

Oprah: Welcome back everyone! We're visiting with Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews of the Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks. Before the break I told you I was going to introduce you to one of Patrick's relatives and I am sorry to tell y'all that this lovely young woman in the front row is Erica Kane, Patrick's sister and that she and Jonathan have been dating for several months.

[Polite applause as Kaner's face clouds over]

Oprah: Erica, can you tell us how you and Jonathan met?

Erica: Well, the first time we met was during Jonathan and Patrick's rookie season when they were just becoming teammates and friends. The next season they moved in together as roomates and whenever my family would go to Chicago to watch Patrick play, we would visit their apartment. Jonathan and I became friends during that second season.

Oprah: And so your romance developed out of that friendship, then?

Erica: Actually, he's so old-fashioned. He called my dad to ask his permission to court me before he actually asked me out on a date. My whole family just loves him.

[Contented, overweight, happy, suburban, white, female, middle class, romantic comedy-loving applause]

Oprah: Jonathan, has your relationship with Erica caused any problems in your friendship with Patrick?

Tazer: Well, I know he was not very pleased with me when we first started going out. But then I tried to explain to him that both his parents and his two other sisters were cool with it and I think that calmed him down a little.

[Roars of laughter]

Oprah: Patrick, is that true? Have you accepted their relationship?

Kaner: To be honest, I just try not to think about it. If I did, I think I might puke.

[Roars of laughter]

Oprah: Fair enough. When we come back I am going to introduce you to the most interesting person I have met in a long time.

[The producers come and do their thing with Oprah again, then leave]

Kaner [To Oprah]: Why'd you have to bring my sister out here?

Oprah: Did that bother you? That's good. Do you know why? Because conflict makes for good television. Plus, I like to see someone else on this set squirm with awkwardness besides me today.

Kaner: I am sorry if I made you feel awkward.

[Tazer hisses with a sharp intake of surprise. Kaner and Oprah both look at him, questioningly.]

Tazer [To Kaner]: You have never apologized to anyone in your life!

Kaner: That's true.

Oprah: I am honored.

Kaner [To Oprah]: Let me make it up to you tonight. Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz and listened to Dark Side of the Moon while baked out of your mind? I think you would like it. There's a whole 'nother world out there, baby.

Oprah: I'll think about it.

[The music in the studio cranks up, indicating that the show is coming back from the commercial break.]

Kaner: I'm as hard as the Tin Man right now.

Oprah: You know I have had some interesting guests on my show over the years: The Dalai Lama, President Obama and Bill Murray to name just a few. So when my producers were researching this show, they thought I had to meet this young man. He goes by only one name: Rinkesh.

[Polite applause]

[Rinky is sitting next to Erica in the front row of the audience.]

Oprah [To Rinky]: I have to say that even after all the research my producers put it, they still were not able to fully understand the relationship between you and Jonathan and Patrick.

Rinky: Well, Oprah, I can't say that I heard a question in your statement there. Was there something in particular you were curious about?

Oprah: Excuse me. Could you explain how a young man such as yourself, a child in fact, has come to live with two professional hockey players?

Rinky: I suppose I would describe the relationship as a symbiotic one in which all the involved parties receive benefits from their mutual interactions with one another. Much like a Sea anemones and clownfish rely upon each other to sustain themselves.

Kaner [Whispering to Tazer]: We're like Finding Nemo, bro.

Oprah [To Rinky]: I see, so how do your parents feel about this arrangement?

Rinky: I have never known my parents. I was sold out of my family as an infant.

Oprah [Appalled]: You were sold into slavery?!?

Rinky: I can understand how one might see it from that perspective if you were not involved but I am sure I have had a much more well-rounded and satisfying life up to this point having left India than I would have if I stayed in the slums of Calcutta.

Oprah [To Kaner]: So, Patrick, have you adopted this young man? What is the precise nature of your relationship?

Kaner: I sing and he plays the drums. Tazer plays the guitar.

Oprah: What are you talking about, Patrick?

Kaner: Our band, FALCONHAWK. We rock pretty hard, dude.

Oprah: Your band?

Kaner: Yeah, dude. We're a power trio, like Rush. You should see Rinkles lay down the beat. He's got this thirty piece drum kit with a gong and everything. Just like Bonham.

Oprah: I am confused. Jonathan, perhaps you might be better able to explain how this young man came to be in your life.

Kaner [Interrupting]: What do you mean you are confused? Don't you know who John Bonham is?

Oprah: No, I am sorry, I don't.

Kaner [To the audience]: Dude doesn't know who John Bonham is! How can you get a TV show and not know that? I feel embarrassed for Opie.

[Roars of laughter]

Kaner [To Oprah]: Hey Sno-Cone, you need to get the Led out.

Oprah's producer [In her earpiece]: You're losing control! You have sixty seconds!

Oprah: Patrick, I have a feeling that you are trying to avoid answering my questions about the nature of your relationship with this young man.

Rinky: Oprah, I fear you you are grasping at shadows here. Jonathan and Patrick are my legal guardians, although it feels more like brotherhood, and that is all you need to know. They provide me with everything a guardian is expected to provide and they rely upon my services and expertise in a wide array of fields.

Kaner: One time, I saw him carve up a vampire in a knife-fight. True story. Kid's got a wicked-good knife hand.

Oprah's producer [In her earpiece]: We're out of time, wrap it up.

Oprah: Unfortunately I think we are out of time today. I hope that all of you are able to come back some day to talk a little bit more about your lives because frankly I find it astonishing. I would like to thank my guests today: Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews of the Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks!

[Insane cheering]

Oprah: My thanks also to Erica Kane and Rinkesh. We'll see you next time.

[Insane cheering]

[Fast forward to fifteen minutes after the show. Tazer, Kaner, Erica and Rinky are all sitting in the green room, hanging out. A PA knocks on the door and pokes her head in.]

PA: I apologize for keeping you here after the show but Oprah would like a word before you all leave. She never asks to speak to the guests after the show so I am not sure what she wants.

[The PA closes the door]

Kaner: She wants a piece of my johnson.

Erica: Be nice, Patrick.

[Oprah comes into the room a couple of minutes later]

Kaner: Big O in the hizzy!

Oprah [To all of them]: You guys sure avoided my questions as the end.

Rinky: I believe we answered them satisfactorily.

Oprah: I know I don't feel that you did and I doubt my audience does either.

Kaner: How about you come out to dinner tonight with me and then we'll go back to my place and I'll answer every question you have.

Oprah [Conflicted]: Fine. But I am only agreeing to this because I am concerned about the child's well-being.

Kaner: HOLLA!!!! [Jumps out of his chair and starts doing an awful dance while singing] She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck! Thighs like a what, what, what! Baby move your butt, butt, butt!

Oprah: Son of a bitch.

PS: If you aren't already doing so, please follow me on Twitter @nCornick . Give me a couple weeks and if you think the stupid shit I tweet about is, well, shitty, please feel free to unfollow. I am trying to break through the triple digit barrier! Make it so, readers!

The Odd Couple, Episode 8: European Vacation

[Exterior, dusk, rural Slovakia. Tazer, Kaner and Rinky, representing the Blackhawks organization, have traveled to Slovakia to attend Marian Hossa's wedding. After flying from Chicago to Prague via London, they take a train to Trencin, Marian's hometown. From Trencin they are shuttled in a black Mercedes limousine for over an hour deep into the wooded foothills by a strangely silent chauffeur. He lets them out with their luggage in front of a ten foot tall iron gate, which is open. In the distance they see the unmistakable silhouette of a castle's parapets outlined against a blood red sunset. Without a word the chauffeur gestures them forward then gets back into the limo and drives away.]

Kaner: It's like motherfuckin' Castlevania up in here!

Tazer: Indeed. What would you say, Rinkesh, twelfth century?

Rinky: Oh, at least, sir. Possibly eleventh or even tenth. I would need to get a closer look at the masonry to be sure.

Tazer: Of course, but medieval without question.

Rinky: I had no idea Mister Hossa was a man of such means. To maintain a residence of this size-

Kaner: [Interupting] Hoss shits gold bricks.

Tazer: [Ignoring Kaner] Shall we, gentlemen?

[The group starts walking up a long narrow path, sometimes barely visible in the fading sunlight, through dense stands of centuries-old walnut and oak. The only sound they hear is a breeze rustling the treetops high above them and their own heavy breathing. By the time they reach the top of the hill they are all panting and sweating under the weight of their luggage. In front of them is an immense set of double oak doors, fifteen feet high and intricately carved.]

Tazer: [Breathing heavily, bent double with his hands on his knees] Rinky, go knock.

[Rinky approaches the huge iron knocker and just as his hand is about to touch it, the doors begin to swing silently inward.]

Rinky: I did not even touch the knocker, sirs.

Tazer: Don't worry about it, Rinkesh. Apparently we were expected.

Kaner: Hoss better have some god-damn Fiddle Faddle in there. I'm fuckin' hungry and he knows that's my snack.

[As the doors swing open, a flood of golden light pours through the threshold. They are able to make out the figure of a man standing inside an enormous entry hall but his face is obscured by the light. The floors and walls are both made of dark wood and the walls are all carved in the same intricate motif as the front doors. There are candles on the walls, along the banister of the grand marble staircase behind the man, in elaborate floor stands as well as candelabras. The man steps forward and his face becomes clear as he walks up to the trio.]

Marian: Honored teammates and guests, welcome to my humble home.

[Marian is wearing a floor length robe of crimson silk, edged in sable fur.]

Kaner: Nice robe, Hoss. Where's the bar?

Tazer: [Steps forward and shakes hands with Marian] It is lovely to see you again, old friend. On behalf of Patrick, Rinkesh, and the entire Chicago Blackhawks organization, we are honored to be invited to your home and would like to extend the heartiest of congratulations on your impending marriage.

Kaner: [To Marian] Yeah, bro, congrats. Good job. You locked down the same piece of ass for the next fifty years. You can go ahead and retire your balls now.

Marian: Thank you, Jonathan, my fiancee and I accept your congratulations with the utmost goodwill.

Kaner: Nice crib, by the way. Reminds me of the Governor's mansion from "Benson".

Marian: Oh? I do not believe I familiar with "Benson".

Kaner: [To Rinky, shocked] Dude says he never saw "Benson"!

Rinky: It's the great pity of the world, sir.

Kaner: [To Marian] C'mon Ho-dog, be straight with me. You never got "Benson" on TV in Slovakia?

Marian: No, I am afraid not. We did get re-runs of "Knight Rider" which I did not care for and "Too Close For Comfort" which I enjoyed very much. Jim J. Bullock always made me laugh.

Kaner: [With raised eyebrows] I'm pretty sure Benson could kick J.J. Bullock's ass up and down those stairs behind you all day. I don't believe you never saw "Benson"! The theme from "Knight Rider" was tight though. Doo-doo-doo-doo!

Rinky: Duh-duh-duh-duh!

Kaner and Rinky together: Da-da-da-da-DA-DA!

[Kaner and Rinky perform their complex five-step handshake with two snaps over the right shoulder]

Marian: Oh, Patrick, I almost forgot. This is for you. I knew you would want it.

[Marian reaches inside his robe and pulls out a box and tosses it to Kaner]

Kaner: Fuckin' Fiddle Faddle! BOOM!

[Holding the box of Fiddle Faddle in one hand, Kaner starts doing a hybrid Running Man/Cabbage Patch dance in the spot where's he's standing while starting to recite the opening narration from Knight Rider.]

Kaner: "Knight Rider, a shadowy flight into the world of a man who does not exist..."

[Tazer ignores Kaner's antics, Rinky smiles foolishly while bobbing his head to the beat, Marian smiles benevolently.]

Kaner: "...Michael Knight, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law." [Stops dancing] Yeah, that's the good shit. [Opens the box of Fiddle Faddle and eats a handful.]

Tazer: [To Marian] Perhaps we should turn in, Marian. It has been a long travel day for us.

Kaner: Speak for yourself, butt-munch, I'm ready to party.

Marian: Tell me, Patrick, have you ever tried Absinthe?

Kaner: Never heard of it.

Rinky: Ah, the Green Fairy.

Marian: [Surprised] You are familiar with the beverage, sir?

Kaner: [Muttering to himself] JT's a green fairy.

Rinky: [To Marian] Am I not a Master Mixologist as certified by the London College of Mixology? I have been intimate with the mind-expanding properties of absinthe for many years now.

Marian: Indeed?

Rinky: Indeed.

Marian: Perhaps I shall prepare nightcaps for everyone then?

Rinky: Certainly.

Marian: Let us retire to the library.

[Marian leads the group through a series of much darker, damper and colder passageways until they arrive at a richly decorated room with countless books lining the shelves of three walls. A fire taller than Tazer occupies up most of the fourth wall. In one corner there is a fully stocked bar behind which Marian immediately takes up his position. Everyone else takes seats in large, comfortable chairs in front of the roaring fire.]

Marian: [Gesturing around the room] My great-grandfather, the 14th Baron, was a collector of rare books.

Kaner: [Knowingly] I went to the libary last week. They keep the old poon there.

Tazer: I thought I knew the biographies of all of my teammates. I had no idea you were of royal blood, Marian.

Marian: [Dismissively] I don't like to talk about it. [Quickly changing the subject] What I will be serving to you gentlemen is not a traditional absinthe as most people know it. What I serve in this house, since we are in Slovakia after all, is more of what one might call wormwood bitters. It has a higher alcohol content than traditional absinthe and has been known to induce...how shall I put it...visions...in some people.

Rinky: Yes, it is true that the Slovakian absinthe is slightly different than what you might find elsewhere on the continent. It is an enlightening refreshment. It opens channels and corridors of the mind that you may never have known existed.

Kaner: [In a high-pitched falsetto] We gonna get hiiiiiiiiiiigh.

[Marian finishes the drinks by dissolving a sugar cube into each glass. As the sugar begins to mingle with the alcohol, the mixture takes on a glowing green hue.]

Rinky: The Green Fairy.

Marian: [Steps out from behind the bar with the glowing green glasses on a silver tray] A toast, gentlemen. To old friends!

Everyone: To old friends! [Everyone drinks]

Tazer: This is quite refreshing, Marian.

Marian: I think you will find it even more so the deeper you get into your glass.

[Fast-forward fifteen minutes. Tazer and Kaner are in a barely coherent stupor. Marian and Rinky are seemingly unaffected by the drink.]

Marian: Perhaps I should have used a weaker liquor. Although I have never known Patrick to be incapable of holding his alcohol. [Pauses then looks at Rinky] Yet for such a slight boy of no older than twelve you are the model of sobriety.

Rinky: It would take something stronger than absinthe to affect me, sir.

Marian: [With iron in his voice] I see.

Kaner: Hello, Mr. Hefner, I'm your biggest fan. It's a buffet of poon here today, sir.

Marian: The absinthe can reveal our greatest hopes, dreams and fears.

Rinky: Master Kane frequently speaks of his desire to visit the Playboy Mansion. It sounds like he's there right now.

Kaner: Oh, it's Miss April. How are you ma'am? I am about to take a trip to the moon, do you want to join me? Yes? Awesome. We're gonna have to take my go-kart, okay?

Marian: I wonder what he is seeing right now?

Rinky: Oh, I have a pretty good idea.

Kaner: Why you gotta bust my balls like that, Toad? I got a lady here! We're on our way to the moon to hump! Oh, there's that cunt, Peach. Peach! Peach! Where the fuck is my bong? You fucking stole my bong the last time I was at your place. What do you mean, "what bong?" I'm pretty sure I only have one alien head bong and you stole it, you dirty whore!

Rinky: It is just as I suspected. He is riding a go-kart to the moon via the Rainbow Road. Apparently Miss April 2010 is riding shotgun and he trying to resolve various disputes and perceived slights on the way.

Kaner: I knew it! The moon is made of green cheese! It is delicious, too. And smelly. Miss April? Miss April? Where did you go? Oh, there you are. You turned into a camel! No, I won't fuck you! Why not? You turned into a camel for fuck's sake! Who do you think I am, Crosby?

[Kaner starts to quiet down as Tazer starts speaking]

Tazer: Your Holiness, I am not worthy of this honor. You are too kind, your eminence but I am sure this is some kind of mistake. I am sure there are thousands of other people more deserving of this honor than I.

Marian: Can you decipher this as well?

Rinky: Well obviously he is in the presence of some important religious figure, the Pope perhaps?

Tazer: Your honor, I merely healed some sick people by touching them, that is all. I don't think you could actually consider those miracles, could you? Oh, you're infallible. I see. Well, if you insist on naming me the first actual living saint in the history of the Catholic Church, I guess I have no choice but to accept. Thank you very much sir. I am humbled. Ha! Look at my head, it's glowing!

Marian: [Stands up decisively, then in a thundering voice] Enough of this silliness! [Then much more quiet and menacing] You are more than you appear, boy.

Rinky: Perhaps. You are not what you appear to be either, Baron.

Marain: If you know what I am, then you know what I need. Kane and Toews were not invited here by chance.

Rinky: Yes, I know what you need.

Marian: Young blood. And I will have yours to start with.

Rinky: Just so.

Marian: You are even younger than both of them, so I shall quench my thirst by opening your supple neck first. I could never have dreamed that they would bring an innocent lamb such as yourself to my slaughter. [With a penetrating, hypnotic gaze] Come to me now young sir, so that I may sate myself on the blood of your youth.

Rinky: [Unaffected by the gaze] You think this is my first rodeo, my lord? I've seen this movie before.

[Moving with the quickness and agility of a small brown cat, Rinkesh rolls off his chair and sprints from the library. Marian unleashes a hiss of fury, then in a puff of smoke, transforms himself into a huge black bat. He flies fly down the dark corridors after the boy.]

[Back in the brightly lit Entry Hall, Rinkesh is kneeling on the floor near their luggage, working at the straps and zippers. As he is reaching into a pack, the great black bat appears and transforms back into Marian.]

Marian: My teeth are aching with desire, young slave. I long to drink your life force. So vital, so innocent.

Rinky: Not tonight, my lord. [Rinky pulls a crucifix from a pack and holds it out in front of him.]

[Marian, hovering a few inches off the ground, hisses again and grunts with pain. Nevertheless, he begins gliding forward very slowly and very deliberately despite the presence of the holy artifact.]

[Meanwhile in the library, Kaner is starting to come around]

Kaner: [Groggily shaking his head] Fucker roofied us! I knew that cock-sucker was up to no good. Fucker said he never saw "Benson"! That's big Hoss' favorite fucking show.

[Kaner goes over and shakes Tazer awake]

Kaner: [Shouting] Wake up, fairy! That ain't Hoss, that is some evil twin or some shit and he took fuckin' Rinkles!

Tazer: [Coming to and putting together the pieces from what Kaner said] I see. This is dire. Rinkesh is in great peril. We must hurry!

[Tazer and Kaner sprint from the library back down the way they originally came.]

[Back in the Entry Hall]

Rinky: You are of the oldest lines, I see. This may call for some heavier lifting than I had originally anticipated.

Marian: I yearn to split your jugular and feel your pulse die between my teeth. So young, so fresh.

Rinky: [To himself] Damn the undead scoundrel! His blood-lust is unstoppable. He has been laying in wait here since the season ended! Still, something doesn't feel right...

[Rinky quickly reaches into his pack again and this time pulls out what appears to be a dagger forged from pure silver. With a quick flick of the wrist, he sends it spinning, end over end, toward the master vampire. The dagger sinks into Marian's upper leg. With a howl of agony and fury, Marian rips the knife from his leg and continues closing in on the boy with an air of impending doom.]

Marian: I will not be denied your blood, young sir. After I have eaten your heart and slaked my thirst, you will be transformed. You will be my eternal slave and together we make a feast out of your former masters.

Tazer: [From behind Rinky and Marian] Doubtful, Marian, doubtful. The boy is ours, and you are obviously ill.

Kaner: Eat a dick, Hoss.

Rinky: Sirs! Sirs! To the Grail!

Marian: [With incandescent hatred and eternal hunger burning in his unholy eyes] I will dine on the marrow and souls of not one, but three children this night!

[Tazer and Kaner sprint past Marian. Next to Rinky, amongst their luggage, they heave out a trunk larger than the rest. Working in perfect unison they unlock all of the bolts and latches with unbelievable rapidity.]

Marian: [Now glowing with a pitch black nimbus about him and just a few feet away] What is this foolishness?!?

Rinky: You know very well, my lord. You know all too well. Now, sirs!

[With one fluid movement Tazer and Kaner hoist out Lord Stanley's Cup. As bright as the noonday sun, the perfect, unwavering silver light of a thousand champions bursts forth from the Chalice directly into the face of the immortal, undead lord.]

Tazer and Kaner: [In unison] WE ABJURE THEE!

[With that, the undead Baron's body expands slightly before contracting upon itself and imploding into a pile black ash that falls to the floor in a heap.]

Rinky: You recovered from that foul drink, just in time my lords.

Kaner: Lord Stizlle in the motherfuckin' hizzle!

Tazer: Yes, our timing was quite fortuitous.

Kaner: Fucker roofied us!

Rinky: You recovered quicker than I expected, Master Kane. You truly do have an iron constitution.

Kaner: Fuckin' A, Crinkle Cut. What are we supposed to do with this pile of shit? [Gestures towards the pile of ashes]

Tazer: The Marian we know, our friend, can still be restored if we act quickly. Rinkesh, a broom, as quick as you can.

[Rinky runs out of the room and returns a minute later with a regular kitchen broom.]

Rinky: I could not find a dustpan, sir.

Tazer: It is of no consequence. Tear apart the box and brush it onto the cardboard. [Points at Kaner's box of Fiddle Faddle.]

Kaner: Son of a bitch!

[Rinky sweeps the pile of ash onto the Fiddle Faddle cardboard]

Tazer: Now dump it into the cup.

[Rinky does that]

Tazer: [Picks up the silver knife Rinky had thrown earlier and wipes it off] We must provide some of ourselves to make this happen. [Pulls the blade across his palm, hands it to the other two, who do the same.]

Tazer: Let your blood fall into the ashes.

[As their blood pours into the bowl, a pale, pulsing light starts glowing from the heart of the ashes.]

Tazer: I call upon you, great champions of the past, to recover the lost soul of our brother, Marian.

[The ashes glow brigher until they are too bright to be looked at. Tazer, Kaner and Rinky are forced to look away. After the light subsides, they turn back and see the naked body of their friend, Marian, lying on the floor next to the Cup.]

Tazer: He is returned to us.

Marian: [Moaning and groaning] Where....where am I?

Tazer: All is well, my friend. You were lost but we have found you now. Come back to the world of the living.

Marian: [Sitting up] What happened?

Rinky: An ancient evil invaded your body. You became his host, if you will.

Marian: A Dracul?

Rinky: You know of the Dracul?

Marian: I grew up here, of course I know about them. The last thing I remember was walking my dog after dark...it must have been weeks ago...when I saw this giant black bat flying right at me.

Rinky: It happens all too frequently in this part of the world. Just be thankful we arrived when we did, with the Stanley Cup at our immediate disposal, no less. Your soul would have been lost forever, otherwise.

Marian: I must find my family and my fiancee. They must think I am dead.

Tazer: Yes, let us get out of here as quickly as possible.

Kaner: You owe me one box of Fiddle Faddle, Hoss, plus I want to stop at a 7-11 for a blue slurpee on the way back to town. You're gonna owe me for a long time on this, Boss Hogg.

Marian: Fine, we'll stop for slurpees.

Kaner: Damn right we will. I knew you weren't you right away. First of all, you said you never saw Benson. The Hoss I know loves Robert fuckin' Guiillaume like no one else I ever met. Second, who likes "Too Close For Comfort" over "Knight Rider"? That Baron fucker was some kinda spooky homo.

Marian: I do love me some "Benson".

Tazer: [To Rinky] One question for you, my friend, before we leave. How did you know to pack a crucifix and a silver dagger?

Rinky: Simple, sir. I knew we were heading for rural Slovakia. There was always a high probability of coming in touch with an undead. Simple deductive reasoning sir.

Tazer: Dearest, Rinkesh, always prepared.

Holy Motherfucking ESP and Shit!

From The Fabulous Forum Blog on the LA Times website:

Patrick Kane of the Chicago Blackhawks might have the best off-season plans -- his turn with the Stanley Cup will come in mid-August and he said he plans to take the NHL trophy onstage and use it to drink margaritas with Jimmy Buffett.

HOLY SHITBALLS.

The formerly crazed ramblings of my fevered imagination are going to become reality!

This proves one thing: I cannot go too far in my buffoonish caricature of Kaner. I have no doubt in my mind that he really does sing Billy Squier and Scorpions songs on karaoke, has a Subway franchise named after him in suburban Buffalo and probably keeps a pet falcon named Hawk in his apartment. I really need to start pushing the envelope here.

Un-fucking-believable.

I know it, you know. They are going to sing "Fins". If there is a God, video will surface of this historic event.

UPDATED: The long awaited day has come and gone and now there is video to prove my prescience.

The Odd Couple, Episode 6: Kaner's Big Day

[Interior, Patrick Kane's boyhood home in Buffalo, New York. Seated around the kitchen table eating breakfast are Tazer, Patrick's mother Donna, Patrick's sister/Tazer's girlfriend Erica and Rinkesh AKA Rinky, Tazer and Kaner's man-servant. Erica is flipping through the sections of the Buffalo News. When she gets to the Sports section she stops and pulls it out.]

Erica: Patrick!

Mrs. Kane: What did he do, Erica?

Erica: Oh, mother!

[Erica shoves the paper into Tazer's hands and covers her face with her hands. He looks at the picture on the front page of the Sports section where it shows an obviously intoxicated, obviously delighted Kaner, grinning with his tongue hanging out, stuffing bills into the G-string of an exotic dancer on stage in front of him. The dancer is shown in profile leaning forward, with her ass in Kaner's face. The dancer is bracing herself by holding onto the rim of the Stanley Cup in front of her.]

Tazer: Perhaps you would rather not see this image, Mrs. Kane.

Mrs. Kane: Alright Jonathan, just read me the story then.

Tazer: Okay, Mrs. Kane. [Clears his throat] The headline is: "Patrick Kane Shows the Cup the Underside of Buffalo" by Christina Lee.

Mrs. Kane: Go on, Jonathan.

Tazer: "Patrick Kane of the Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks was back home in Buffalo yesterday to spend the day with the Stanley Cup. The Buffalo native was was spotted at various locations throughout the metropolitan area on Tuesday, culminating with a boozy visit to the popular Sugar Shack Gentleman's Club early Wednesday morning.

Earlier in the day, Kane and a few childhood friends ate lunch at a Subway sandwich restaurant in Tonawanda which the owners have renamed "Patrick Kane's Subway" in a promotional arrangement. Mr. Patel, the owner of the Tonawanda Subway franchise said that "Mr. Kane is a frequent customer to my Subway restaurant and with this name change Mrs. Patel and I feel that we will be able to generate a significant increase in revenue." In exchange for lending his name to the sandwich shop, Mr. Kane will reportedly receive free sandwiches for the next five years, the length of the sponsorship agreement.

While at the restaurant, Mr. Kane and his friends were heard to be singing the familiar and catchy Subway jingle "Five Dollar Foot Longs". Mr. Kane and his friends made no effort to hide the fact that they drank what this reporter estimated to be a case of Bud Light Lime while eating their lunches. The Tonawanda Subway franchise has no licence to serve alcoholic beverages. Mr. Kane offered this reporter a beer on more than one occasion during the course of the day, all of which were politely declined.

The next stop on the tour was at Chuck's Gun and Pawn Emporium, across the parking lot from the Subway in the same Tonawanda strip mall. Here Mr. Kane attempted to negotiate a price with the proprietor of the business, Chuck Klein, for the Stanley Cup.

"I've had Super Bowl rings, World Series rings, Babe Ruth-signed baseballs, you name it. But I'll be damned if that kid didn't try to pawn the Stanley Cup in my store today." Klein said. When asked what price Mr. Kane was asking for the one-of-a-kind trophy, Mr. Klein indicated that Mr. Kane showed an interest in trading the Cup straight up for an assortment of firearms. "He was looking at the AK's, the Desert Eagle fifty cal, a rare Civil War rifle, some World War II-era hand grenades and a flame-thrower." Mr. Kane was overheard remarking to his companions "I'm gonna take this grenade and shove it up Crosby's [expletive] the next time I see him." This reporter assumes Mr. Kane was making reference to Sidney Crosby, the all-star forward of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Just prior to the consummation of this unprecedented sale, Mike Bolt, a representative of the Hockey Hall of Fame stepped in to stop the proceedings. Mr. Bolt is assigned to watch over the Stanley Cup as it travels around the world during the course of the summer while each member of the Cup-winning team has his day with it.

"I thought I saw everything before today" Mr. Bolt said. "I've seen the Cup at the bottom of countless swimming pools, I've seen it vomited upon in Anaheim, defecated upon in Detroit and ejaculated upon in Pittsburgh but before today I have never seen someone try to sell it. I have to say, Patrick almost got away with it too. He and his friends were giving me a tour of the Subway back there across the parking lot when they locked me in the walk-in freezer and ran over here with the Cup."

After Mr. Bolt ended the pending transaction, Mr. Kane drew a verbal comparison between Mr. Bolt and a commonly used feminine hygiene product.

Travelling in a stretched yellow Hummer limousine (driven by Mr. Kane's twelve year-old Indian man-servant) from the Tonawanda strip mall, the Kane entourage made its' way to Buffalo City Hall. Unfortunately the planned event with Mayor Brown had to be canceled due to a last minute budget meeting. Instead, Mr. Kane and his party were met by City Treasurer Betty Corsi-Ferarro, an avowed Buffalo Sabres fan. In lieu of presenting Mr. Kane with a key to the city as originally planned, Ms. Corsi-Ferarro gave everyone in the party stainless steel souvenir key chains embossed with the seal of the city of Buffalo.

Following the presentation of the key chains, Mr. Kane demanded to be quoted. "That [Gosh]-damned rug-munching bull-[derogatory synonym for a lesbian]. She thinks just because she's a [expletive]-ing Sabres fan that she can pull this bull-[excrement] on me? The Sabres are never going to win the [expletive]-ing Cup! Never! I grew up a [expletive]-ing Sabres fan so I should [expletive]-ing know! [Expletive] her! I hope she catches herpes in the mouth and dies."

From City Hall the group proceeded to the aforementioned Sugar Shack where the group of young men were greeted by chants of "Twenty Cent!" (an allusion to Mr. Kane's run-in with the law in Buffalo last summer) by the patrons. The celebration continued long into the night, high-lighted by lap-dances too numerous to mention, an endless stream of Cristal Champagne and marathon karaoke sessions in a private room. Mr. Kane and his under-aged man-servant performed a passable version of Billy Squier's ' 1981 classic "The Stroke".

Suffice it to say, this reporter came away from Mr. Kane's day with the Cup humbled at his ability to party, shocked at his audacity, appalled at his debauchery, insulted by his bigotry towards minorities, disgusted by his chauvinistic treatment of women, horrified by his vulgarity and surprisingly charmed by his habit of bestowing of nicknames (I was labeled "Chinese Beaver", "Asian Tang" and "Poon-Pow Kitty")."

Rinky: That is a fair assessment of yesterday's activities.

Tazer: Rinkesh, were you not able to put the brakes on any of this?

Rinky: As you know very well, Mr. Toews, I am but a minor house-hold servant. I cannot tell Mr. Kane what to do.

Tazer: Of course you are correct, Rinky.

[At that moment Kaner comes down stairs wearing sunglasses, in his bathrobe, clearly hung-over.]

Tazer: Good morning, Patrick.

Kaner: I feel like horse shit.

Mrs. Kane: Language, Patrick.

Kaner: Sorry, mom.

Erica: We just read the paper and saw everything you did yesterday! Patrick, how could you?!?

Kaner: What'd I do?

[Erica throws the sports section at him. Kaner looks at the front page picture over the top of his sunglasses.]

Kaner: Cinnamon. What an ass. [Contemplating the previous night] I didn't think that Chinese cooze would report all that after I banged her.

[Tazer looks down and shakes his head]

Kaner: Don't shake your head at me limp-dick! I got up on her in the Limo after the Shack. She was all over me. Tell 'em Rinky.

Rinky: Oh, yes. I remember her shouting "Break me off a piece of that sugar cane, daddy."

Kaner: Hey Rinky, did you know that Chinese snatch tastes like sweet and sour pork? Who knew?

Mrs. Kane: Is that how you really wanted to spend your day with the Cup, Patrick?

Kaner: Hey, mom, I got free subs for the next five years, okay? What do you got? Don't judge me!

Mrs. Kane: I just thought maybe you wanted to do something more...productive with your day. Like Jonathan did.

Kaner: Why, what did Captain Butt-Plug do with it?

Mrs. Kane: Why, Mrs. Toews just called me yesterday and told me everything. I was quite impressed.

Tazer: You don't need to do this Mrs. Kane.

Mrs. Kane: [Considering] No, I think Patrick needs to grow up and hear what how an adult is supposed to act. So listen up Patrick. Jonathan took the Cup on a parade through Winnipeg where several thousand people cheered him, met the Mayor of the city and the Premier of the province, received a key to the city, had a lake named after him, had a community center named after him and raised one hundred thousand dollars for disadvantaged children. Jonathan, I also heard a rumor that you can also cure blindness and leprosy by the laying-on of hands, that everything you touch turns to gold and you have the power of telekinesis. Are those things true?

Tazer: No, Mrs. Kane. I can only relieve minor aches and pains. Arthritis, the flu, that kind of thing. It is true that a couple of my hockey sticks have turned into solid gold over the last couple of years but I am not quite sure how that happened. Rinky is looking into it. I don't have telekinesis, per se, but I have noticed if I concentrate really hard, especially when I am battling along the boards for the puck, that I can make it jump over a guy's stick. You can tell by the funny faces I make, that's when the puck is really jumping.

Erica: Wow.

Kaner: I thought you made those faces because you accidentally turned on your anal-stimulation device. I can't believe I have to listen to this shit in my own house! I'll never be good enough!

Tazer: Patrick, I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel right now. Let me make it up to you. Let me take you out to the dog track today.

Kaner: [Looks up sharply] You're just teasing me.

Tazer: No, I am not. Let me do this for you. We'll go out to the dog races and bet heavily on long-shots all day, eat nachos, drink copious amounts of cheap domestic beer and hit on welfare-check moms.

Erica: Jonathan!

[Tazer Gives Erica a discreet closed-eye shake of the head, the universal symbol for don't worry, I will not be hitting on poor, single mothers at the dog track but your brother most definitely will.]

Kaner: I don't believe you. You never want to do anything fun.

Tazer: I'll take you to Tonawanda for free subs.

Kaner: [Lighting up like the sun] Shit yes! We're gonna bet the hounds! FIVE! FIVE DOLLAR! FIVE DOLLAR FOOT LONGS!